Make Mommy Love, Not Mommy War
Hello everybody! Robin posting today, with some thoughts about the so–called mommy wars:
When I walk into the Starbucks in my upstate New York hometown, I see a fascinating class divide. On one side are the working women, like me, all dressed and stressed as we grab a coffee before catching the train to the city. On the other side are the stay–at–home moms in their workout clothes and jeans, wrestling with sippy cups and little bags of Cheerios. We don’t speak to each other. We have different social groups, and different clubs.
And because we don’t talk to each other, suspicions arise. Working moms feel judged by the stay–at–home moms, as if we are committing child abuse by sending our kids to day care. Stay–at–home moms also feel judged, especially when they see the light go out of other women’s eyes when asked that perennial cocktail–party question, “What do you do?”
The media has been more than happy to fuel this divide with a slew of news reports that pit mom against mom, giving lots and lots of airtime to the most partisan among us – the at–home mom who writes a book accusing working moms of neglecting their children. The working mother who writes a book telling stay–at–home moms that they are supporting the oppression of women by leaving the workforce.
It’s terrible that we’ve allowed ourselves to be divided and conquered this way. After all, isn’t raising children challenging enough? Why do we have to be at odds with moms who make different life choices?
After all, there are so many ways that working moms and stay–at–home moms could help each other. In my town, the stay–at–homes have all the inside scoop on the best teachers and after–school activities in each grade. It would be great if they could help us clueless working moms navigate our way around the schools and playgrounds. And mothers who work outside the home could help stay–at–home moms transition back into the workforce when and if they are ready.
Fortunately, I have been heartened to see moments of truce in the mommy wars. After a Dr. Phil show called Mom Vs. Mom, the two “opposing” guests, disgusted by the cynical way they and the audience were egged into a catfight, issued a joint statement together, saying that they wanted to urge working and stay–at–home mothers to band together to improve the quality of life for all families. More recently, a panel of mothers set to discuss the mommy wars on Good Morning America agreed to a cease–fire while waiting for the show to begin taping. “We really didn’t have a beef with one another. We are all moms and we share more in common,” at–home mom and activist Laurie Pettine told the Newark Star–Ledger. “So we agreed, let’s keep this position and talk about the real issues.” Instead of a scratching each other’s eyes out, the panel discussed substantive issues like family leave, flexible work schedules, the living wage and the value of unpaid child–care to society.
It’s a great first step. After all, we’re never going to elevate the sanctity of motherhood by tearing each other down. But if we can work together – or at least have coffee together – we could create a bright future for ourselves, and our kids.